Oh my god! So many Mum's online posting about how sad they are the holidays are coming to an end and that they have to send their littles off to school.
I am not one of these Mums right now.
Right now I am craving alone time but I want to spend time with friends
Right now I am desperate for routine but I still enjoy the need to not look at the clock
Right now I am hanging out for some social interaction but I really could do with being alone
I will be totally 100% honest. The holidays are a lonely time for me. I do have friends and I see them occasionally but I feel like (social media envy alert) all I am seeing as groups of people spending time together and I am over here like " hey another day with my kids and no one else this is AWESOME"
School run and work are my opportunity to have a moment of a quick chat with someone, I love the chats I have with the check out chick at the supermarket because hey it's half a grown up!
I find though sometimes the anxiety and downs of loneliness can be easier to deal with than the anxiety of building up the courage to talk to someone for the first time or to build a new friendship. In loneliness there is only me to hold up and keep occupied, reaching out for friendship is terrifying. Trying to be myself alongside trying to make sure your not fucking it up and that person thinking your weird. Not knowing if you are talking enough, am I talking too much, has there been enough of a two way dialogue here?!?!?!?
Then there is the rejection, "call someone to catch up" my husband says encouragingly, bear in mind if he is bored he will drop in on anyone. He doesn't care he can chat to bin man for ages (in fact I think he has done)
So, I call I reach out to people I know, people with kids the same age as mine. Either no response or busy. That's fine it happens.
But it just doesn't get any easier. This is not a new thing for me either. I remember when I was 15 and I spent a whole summer in my room just reading, hoping someone would phone to go out. but no nothing. Thing is I didn't have any friends ( I know boohoo)
But back then reaching out to people, trying to find a group of my own just never happened.
I did things though, played sport went to social groups, but actually carrying out something long term is where I struggle so much. All our friends ( mine and my husband's) have been made with his help. We joke about this but deep down, It makes me a bit sad. But I am just so self conscious and shut down. He keeps talking.
Fast forward to now and I feel worse for it. I feel like I am cheating out my kids on a fun time. All because I am frozen with the anxiety I feel when it comes to socialising. My existing friends when they see me in a social setting outside of a BBQ or a house party are taken aback by how shy and timid I become, I feel like I am turning to stone from the inside out. I really wish I didn't!
I spend a great deal of time on social media scrolling through and feeling a little bit a part of the lives of the people I follow. I feel confident in feeling joy for their joy, empathy for their down days, cracking up at their funny moments. But I need that connection in my physical world and with every set of holidays I think to myself "This time will be different" so far its not. I am just more aware of the lonelier times, more aware of the stress I feel each day. More anxious not knowing what to say to my oldest when we aren't seeing any kids tomorrow (she's a social butterfly).
I had this week planned, 2 play dates my wee girl was SO excited but they both fell through due to unavoidable circumstances, I felt so terrible and she was so disappointed.
If I have to stand up and be brave it is for her but I am terrified and I am so sorry if throughout this year I approach you in a bid of connecting and I spew, because I think that is what might happen as I try to fight the feeling of turning to stone. But hey I tried.
Fi
xx
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